Robin Williams died today, apparently at his own hand. I am reminded of the worst day of my life, the day my husband did the same. I am more than reminded. I find myself thrown into deep grief, because both were men who brightened and lightened the lives of others, yet were unable to do so for themselves.
It’s been almost twelve years, but I still recall the moments and the reaction.
The reaction was universal shock. Lee was well-known and well-loved in our hometown. He made his friends – and everyone was his friend – feel valuable, safe, protected. He brought levity and love to any situation. The shock waves over his death expanded outward and outward and outward. Even years later, people express disbelief and sorrow.
I try not to dwell on the specific moments, but they are there, always hovering just below the surface, ready to rise. I neither encourage nor prevent, but let them be what they are. Often they emerge as one large surge, which crashes and quickly dissipates upon the shore. Other times, they roll and roll, and I concentrate on being a boat – bobbing but not tipping. Today, though, I am swamped by continuous waves that swell and storm around me. Today, Xanax is my friend.
Did his wife suspect that Robin was capable of such an action, or was she, like me, shocked to find him so desperate? Did she also try to dissuade him from that last, terrible deed?
Am I sobbing over her tragedy, or over mine? Or is there really any difference? A beloved man has lost his way, and the result is a world with less joy, less love, less Robin, less Lee – a world with less.
Seeking My Best Self 
I am so sorry you are going through this right now Cherie. Your words are so eloquent, and yet so sobering.
When I heard about this, Lee was also my first thought. Knowing how the shock, sorrow, grief, and endless “what if” type questions continue today out Lee’s death 12 years ago – I just feel so sorry for Robin Williams family.
I can’t tell you how much this touches my mind and how I feel so sorry for your pain. I have one question that comes to mind. Why is Xanax your friend? Are you sure it’s your friend? Was it your husbands friend? I believe it was Robins friend? I did not take Xanax but I was taking a close relative to it (Clonazepam). I thought it was my friend briefly too. But it was the furthest thing from a friend. It very quickly turned on the negative horrible chatter in my head that I could not turn off no matter what I did. I’m no longer taking it and it was very hard to wean off of, actually almost impossible. It almost took my life, but I am one of the lucky ones. I can live with depression now but not with the prescription drugs a long side it. Just food for thought. If you or anyone else reading this ever has a problem with benzodiazpines alone or combined with antidepressants go to benzobuddies.org and read and absorb the information and make an informed decision.
May they rest in peace! They have been through more than they could bear
Gonnawin, thank you for commenting, and I appreciate your concern. Your words are wise – a caution to anyone who considers using rx meds.
For me, Xanax is a seldom-used prescription that helps when anxiety threatens to overcome. Like you, I’m not a fan of rx meds, and rarely resort to them for any reason. Xanax was not used by my husband; his depression was undiagnosed and untreated. I have no information about Robin.
Depression is a terrible affliction. You’ll be in my prayers.