Seeking My Best Self

trying to make sense of my life – and lose some weight

Mondo Moodiness

on June 3, 2013

snarlYou know, I like to think of myself as Zen. Centered. Passionate but serene. And I often maintain said serenity for minutes at a time.

Then there are the other days when everything annoys me, causes my lip to curl up at the corner, results in the spitty start of a snarl.

The whole of last week was *one of those days*. So, I did the only thing I could do: I made incessant fun of myself. You see, when I’m in a mood, I know I’m being impossible. I also know I won’t be able to stop. But at least I can mock myself. It makes Bryan laugh, and it keeps him from tossing me in the pond.

This week I’m feeling better. Unfortunately, Bryan will not reap the benefit of my improved mood, because he left this morning, and will be gone for the whole month (National Guard annual training.) I’m not happy about that. At all. It hits my abandonment button. No, it stomps the Pasodoble on that button. And yes, fellow armchair psychologists, I suspect that might have had something to do with my foul mood last week.

The positive side of being a temporary army widow is, it gives me a chance to focus on ME. To recenter. It was so much easier to remain Zen when I was single. Then, I wasn’t part of a double-sun system, where, even when I’m perfectly balanced, the presence of the other causes a wobble in my orbit. Don’t get me wrong. I love my life with Bryan. It is MY life, no compromises. We are totally sympatico in our goals and lifestyle choices. I’m just saying it’s complicated to live intimately with another human.

But even when I was single, I wasn’t, not really. No human is – or tree or squirrel or rock, for that matter. We’re all interconnected. No, I’m not going to spontaneously break into a verse of Kum-ba-ya. (Hmmm. I think I need to retire that reference. It really dates me.) Ahem. Take two. No, I’m not going to spontaneously break into a verse of The Circle of Life. (Damn. I just looked it up. That’s twenty years old. Still an old geezer allusion. So, readers, to which contemporary song should I refer to convey that false over-connectedy-ness that makes many of us uncomfortable?)

Moving on. I’m not trying to get aery-faery, but it’s true. We ARE influenced by everything around us. And that’s OK. No, that’s wonderful. What isn’t wonderful clinging to the illusion of separateness. If we think we can only be centered once we ditch all outside influences, we set ourselves up for mondo moodiness. Wisdom is learning to center in the midst of the maelstrom. I know this: I wrote about it on Ariyawen.

Having said all that, we do need hermit times. This month will be that for me, and I will focus on centering. But I will also focus on connecting, because balance makes a meet life.


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